Reframing our responses.

It’s easier to ask yourself, “Why should I always be the peacemaker?” The answer is simple. Well, why not? If we stick to the mantra of diffusing as opposed to instigating, we can salvage relationships instead of sabotaging them because of “the principle”.

If we had to imagine a situation of two people standing across from each other, one thinks, “I will not apologise. They started”, while the other is thinking “I am always saying sorry first”.

Here is where a deadlock occurs, and in close retrospect, it is coincidentally the same attitude we would expect to find in a playground. Be an adult.

Reflecting is an excellent opportunity for both parties to understand each other and themselves, and a perfect opportunity to negotiate and find common ground.

Starting here will move your ego aside and set your mind to being open instead of obstinate. This allocates resources to understand, rather than to start an attack or defence. It will also require some understanding about yourself and your thresholds before you can master this. Therefore, we need to examine our emotional management and where it may affect us.

The more complex an argument is, we must give more care to dismantle it.

For instance: “You always leave the toilet seat up. I am sick and tired that you are always late. You have forgotten to throw out the trash and once again left your dirty laundry on the floor. And you also broke my favourite vase…! “

This could become a fierce argument as there are too many variables to tackle at once.

YOU are now the argument.

They have bottled things up over some time where they have now exploded, but the argument is still salvageable.

Let’s assume you are guilty of four out of the five presented issues. Take accountability for the first four instances and then address the last point, where it was the cat who broke the vase.

The last thing we want to start with is blaming the cat as our opener, as we have now predictably reacted by being defensive. It is a natural response to defend first, but we do not want to be predictable.

It makes so much sense once we realise that if we are accountable first and can take ownership of our guilty faults; it is then easier to defend ourselves and blame the cat.

Because you have already displayed acknowledgement and proven to be agreeable, the defence becomes easier. Once we do this, no matter how bizarre it may sound the unfolding circumstances of how the cat knocked over the vase, it will be easier for your opponent to digest.