Wait for the full stop

Pay attention to what people say, because they will give you subtle hints to what makes them happy or unsettled. Listen, and you might learn something.

Fight the urge to interrupt and focus on their words and wait for their last full-stop. Once a person has spoken out entirely, they are unlikely to continue further because they have said what they had to say and will wait for your response, reaction or reply.

They will only carry on speaking if we interrupt them, and so their voice will get louder, and their tone changes tempo. They become angrier, followed by more words and more aggression, and leads the argument to a blackened path.

If we are guilty, we can acknowledge and apologise, and the conflict is over. However, if the situation is more complicated, we need to reach the point of reflection.

Here is where we can take advantage of the pause before we reply.

Give a 5-second pause and wait it out before we say anything.

While they wait, they may say something like:

“Do you have nothing to say?”

“Oh, so you’re clamming up again.”

You may even hear exaggerated “sighing” or “huffing”.

This is a clear indicator that they were expecting you to interrupt or immediately defend yourself and are trying to deflect.

Your most relaxed response is to tell them you need to think, “I hear you, and I am just thinking, give me a minute”.

This is disarming as they will not expect this from you

We do this by taking advantage of the mind and neurolinguistics. If we count to 5 seconds before responding, not only does it throw them off guard, but will also allow us to process what they said. And this is your cue to either ask relevant questions or apologise for whatever you wronged.

The trick is to use body language to emphasise contemplation. Although it is challenging to learn over-night, the most straightforward trick is to just look down while waiting out the 5 seconds. It may seem submissive; however, it is a contradictory action as we have shown submission through our body language, yet we have given a command that “we are thinking, so be quiet!”. We let off an intentional mismatch of thought, which will throw our opponent to wonder on a subconscious level.

Looking up to the sky is NEVER a suitable option, as this is us looking towards the heavens for answers and can come across as disrespectful. The same as looking into their eyes while we tell them we need time. It is a command within a command, which can come across as challenging or aggressive.

They might say a few rude remarks while you wait it out, but whatever comes out their mouth is only a muscle memory reaction while their brain starts to over-work.

Their brain busy by having to prepare and start the fight-or-flight responses. It also remains preoccupied with regulating heart-beats, altering blood pressure, releasing hormones and shutting down certain parts of the body to save resources.

Then there is the emotional factor which their brain has to manage, therefore draining more resources.

When we pause, it throws them completely off, especially with all the physical changes happening to their mind and body, and now they will have to deal with the agonising pause.

New thoughts enter their brain while it’s in overdrive: “Did I make sense?”, “Was I too harsh?”, “Why are they not attacking?”. “Do they know something I don’t?”

They almost cannibalise their own thoughts, and question their argument, all at once, which consumes enormous amounts of resources.

It will push them off-kilter where they are likely to roll their eyes, give exaggerated sighs, change body posture, fold their arms or even have a look of contempt.

All these reactions mean that they are moving into the process of reflection and are trying to disguise it. It may sound manipulative to take advantage of this, but if we intend to seek a resolution, we need to get everyone to calm down.

There are thousands of processes that are occurring each second in their mind, which pretty much drains their resources completely, and will find it difficult to think in retaliation.

We need to get them off of projected aggression and into a point of reflection as quickly as possible. The pause is the ultimate trigger.

All this takes enormous amounts of energy and diverts concentration away from our subtle cues, leaving them unsure and unsettled. It is the exact state of mind we want them where their curiosity will engage, and they will be more willing to listen carefully on what we have to say.

It sounds cruel, but it is necessary if we want them to calm down by deflection through reflection. We then give ourselves a chance to understand and build a sympathetic response without malice.

Tacticians, negotiators and litigators take advantage of the pause because it has that much power.

The state of reflection

Once they are in reflection mode, we can decode and deconstruct the argument into bite-size chunks by asking questions or asking them to explain themselves.

It sounds patronising, but at the moment’s heat, they are hell-bent on getting their point across while looking for “warlike” signals. By getting them to reflect, they will automatically rephrase themselves with better words and tone.

Because we are showing interest, they will release tension as we are coming across as an agreeable person.

This does not work with everyone, let us assume we are dealing with a rational person who does not have the IQ of an aubergine.

When we ask our opponents to explain further or ask earnest questions to understand and contextualise, we do it for two reasons:

One, so we can understand what they are telling us with no room for assumptions or misinterpretation.

Second, is for them to understand what their argument is about too. They may have had a gloomy day which will affect their emotional moods, so it is unfair to assume that they are just malicious. We are all human with emotions encapsulated by flesh and bone. Reflecting helps to internalise and manage our concerns, gripes, anxieties or even fears.

When we try to get someone to reflect, we need to use their same language (not the profanity or insults), but the exact words of emotions they used, and we stick to their topic, not ours. It’s their argument, so keep it about them.

They could realise that their argument sounded so much better in their head and retract or rephrase, which can diffuse a situation.

Other times when they reflect, they may realise they allowed their emotions to get the better of them and retract. In most cases, this can resolve the situation without a single shot fired.

If we have reached a peaceful agreement, there is no shame nor loss to apologise if you know you are at fault and end the argument.

Or, if the argument is still contentious, we can safely expand the argument by clearing out the clutter and get to the topic at hand to deliver our responses.

Choose your words and tone carefully to reduce the risk of severe collateral damage. This person is on the defence just as much on the attack. You do not want to fuel this any more than what it needs.

We can start by acknowledging what upset them by letting them know we understand and repeat their words back to them in the exact order. This tells them you have given acknowledgement and understand them. They are likely to ease up because FINALLY they have been heard!

The hardest and most challenging part when dealing with disputes or disagreements is to keep composure, no matter what they say. If you steer clear from throwing insults, pointing fingers or speaking out of aggression, you have nothing to apologise for later, and we can settle the dispute sooner.

If we do not control ourselves, we lose control of the situation and soon enough; it becomes a race to who can be the victim first. Pushing back causes resistance and can cause the argument leading to nowhere.

Reflection is not only limited to being an excellent way to disarm your opponent, but it is also there for you to reflect and learn.

Do not bring up the past or issues that do not have an immediate connection to this argument—the same as applying finger-pointing or trying to be the victim of their attack.

Even if we think there may be more to this argument, let it go. They may not be ready to deal with the serious or contentious issues that may be underlying. If we handle this argument well, they might bring up the contentious issue with a calmer approach.

We listened, we acknowledged and understood them, so why would they not bring it up sooner?

Although the goal is to get them to reflect, this could escalate the argument depending on their level of frustration or anger. This is the stage where people can get upset and start using character assassination, ad hominem or straw-manning each other. Often you may even find a few “victim cards” thrown around.

No matter how wrong we feel the person is or how out of line they are, our job is to find resolution and use the best tactics and words we have at our disposal to find peace and not make matters worse. When no tempers are flying, it is far easier for people to reflect.

Once we deconstruct the argument, so we can both understand where we are coming from, only then can we establish a point of negotiation or common ground.