We often use the word “but” in our speech to emphasise contrasts between two circumstances. It’s an indicator that something more important is coming up. No matter what we said before the “but”, the person you are speaking to will only remember everything you say after the “but”.

We tend to remember our last experience with a person or a situation.
An experience with a restaurant will depend on the dessert. If the meal was terrible, but the dessert was fantastic, it was an excellent restaurant.

For example:

Suppose we were describing our dining experiences at the only two restaurants in town. One serves lousy desserts, while the other has fantastic desserts. In contrast, although they both serve chicken, one restaurant outdoes the other.

Review 1:

“The chicken was to die for, but the dessert was disgusting.”

Review 2:

“The chicken was disgusting, but the dessert was to die for.”

There is a likelihood that the restaurant with the second review will get more business because it’s the last thing we will remember if we hear this review. If the last part of the sentence is positive, that is what will attract us more.
These same responses will apply in a different context where we look for the trade-off.

Review 3:

“The chicken was amazing, but the atmosphere was appalling.”

Review 4:

“The chicken was appalling, but the atmosphere was amazing.”

Review 4 seems more attractive because the trade-off was more positive in the end.

Review 5:

“The atmosphere was amazing, but the chicken was disgusting.”

Review 6:

“The atmosphere was terrible, but the chicken was amazing.”

The reviews are similar but will have atypical reactions. Although our first thought is to think about food when it comes to restaurants, we are also inclined to think about our experience too. If we remember the last part as being positive, this is our trade-off.

What we should remember is that the words “disgusting” and “amazing” will always have a change in tone. “Amazing” will sound more joyful and come across as more appealing, regardless of how terrible the chicken was.

Manipulating your “but”

Marketers and spin doctors use this trick to manipulate situations to their benefit. Why would speaking to someone be any different?

Although manipulation has a negative connotation, it does not make you a hurtful person if you have good intentions.

Unlike spin doctors, you want something out of that person, but not to their detriment, you are not manipulating the person; you are manipulating your speech. All you want is for them to be quiet while you can get your point across and not have any adverse reactions.

For instance:

Suppose you want to say something to someone about themselves that you dislike. You want them to reflect on what you think, at the same time, get your point across.

“Phillip, you have a wonderful heart, but you’re an absolute asshole.”

“Phillip, you’re an absolute asshole, but you have a wonderful heart.”

In the first sentence, you may have well just called them an asshole out front and left it there. The “wonderful heart” moves to the back of the mind while the “asshole” remains embedded in their memory.

You have provided him with a cue to object, defend or attack you back.
The second sentence, nothing has changed in the message, only the delivery. You told them what you thought, but polished it off with a compliment at the end.

Phillip will accept he’s an asshole, and you gave him a nice compliment.

Although the “asshole” is in the background, he can have time to think about it and reflect, but not respond to it.

He is unlikely to argue because there is no ammo to attack you. You were kind to him. Nobody will ever throw away a wonderful compliment.

Usually, the person will respond with a “sigh” or stuck for words using this technique. A brief pause will often follow.

A pause in every argument is essential for both people to re-group themselves. This is in your favour. You get them to be quiet, say what you feel, express yourself, have a pause and can get back to the topic at hand.

The fun side is that you also called them an asshole without too much blowback.

It’s not that we cannot express ourselves; we just have to drop certain mindsets and re-shuffle our sentences to come across as less offensive with as little damage as possible.

It’s not to say that someone won’t find offence, however well structured you have tailored your point, their confidence on the receiving end may be at an all-time low, which we should consider.

Changing our word formations can either make our words come across as vinegar or honey.

These same rules apply when dealing with customers, clients, or even colleagues.

For example

“I will certainly help you Mr Jones, but your subscription has expired.”

Versus

“Your subscription has expired Mr Jones, but I will certainly help you.”

Take a minute with these two sentences, all we did was shuffle the “but” around, and suddenly, one sentence comes across as more pleasant than abrupt and dismissive.

The same rule applies to directing apologies

How we direct our apologies before or after the “but” will all have unique responses.

Apology 1:

“I am sorry how I reacted last night, but you were out of line.”

Apology 2:

“You were out of line last night, but I am sorry how I reacted.”

Apology 1 makes your apology irrelevant as the accusation becomes the subject: “You were out of line”. It is impossible to apologise if there is still an accusation attached.

Apology 2 explains what you think, but you neaten it off with an apology. The reason to attack you in return is no longer there because the accusation has moved to the back.

Using “but” to swing you from being disagreeable to being agreeable

“But” can also make us come across as disagreeable, contrary, irrational, spiteful or disinterested depending on the situation:

Telling someone “I know what you are trying to say, but I disagree with what you said about…” is redundant speech. You admit that you blatantly do not agree. It’s the last part that threw them off because of that “but”. If you know what they mean, then there is no need to disagree any further.

You will come across as undependable, and it will be difficult to believe what you agree upon from here on. No matter how you try to explain yourself, they will not listen. They will be too busy wondering “where exactly did you not agree upon until this point?”

Instead, it will be far easier to say “I disagree with your point and here is why…”

This will have a direct approach towards the argument and keep you in a position where you can explain what you are thinking. They will have no choice but to listen as there is nothing left to wonder where you disagreed, nor will they feel frustrated by your contradiction.

It is not to say that redirecting our speech will always give us flawless results. The point is to do as little harm as possible and be articulate in what we say.

We should consider that some people are just painful to argue with, let alone find a resolution. But after some effort, you can eventually rub away their rough exterior. Understanding that we only remember the last experience, and learning how to use this to our advantage, we get to kill two birds with one boulder in every argument.