Most arguments brought forth, can either start because we are guilty in some insignificant way. More often than not, we contribute somehow for an incident or an argument to occur. Or we could be innocent, which comes from a misunderstanding of circumstantial events that unfolded.

When approached by someone who has an argument in mind, it usually comes without warning or seemingly “out of nowhere”, and always at the worst time.

Although it may feel as though it is a planned ambush or an attack, which we never expect, this leaves us vulnerable. Instinctively we want to defend or attack by reacting.

The key issues we need to understand, besides all the emotional and physical dynamics, is that sometimes people have a lousy way of expressing themselves. It’s no point trying to get them to speak the way we do because we all have unique methods of communicating.

We are all prone to misusing our words, which can come out in the wrong context. This depends on our emotional state or circumstances which can affect how we sound versus what we are trying to say. The reverse is also true, where the receiver may also have a “bad moment” or a “bad day” and hear things out of context.

We need to handle each disagreement or argument with care, or it can escalate to a fight reasonably soon.

Listen first.

No matter who you are arguing with, before you respond, hear what they have to say. You will show you have an interest and proven willingness to listen. This will allow you to understand what drove them to this point.

Learning from the argument is likely to have a positive result as opposed to being “right”. We need to listen to what they say entirely. Listen to the emotions behind the words and focus on what they are trying to say, not what you want to hear.

Move past their sarcasm, aggression, accusations, “whining”, verbal abuse, “narcissism” or whatever negative behaviour we think they may be displaying. There is no need to react to these, ignore their “attack”; this way, you have nothing to apologise for later. Look behind the curtain, and filter out which direction the contention may be leading.

Every argument has a heading and an introduction which is the most critical part of an argument. We need to listen to all the subtle cues.

• What are they feeling?
• What annoyed them?
• What is their intention?

Often we remain focussed on their aggression, insults and accusations which are tempting to use in retaliation. We then miss the fundamental aspects hidden in their words, and we misunderstand and misinterpret the topic.

As they speak, make a conscious decision in your mind, “I will listen to you so I might learn something”. This is a personal affirmation that we can tell ourselves, which can change our brain’s thinking pattern to listen rather than to react.

Although it is tempting to shoot something out in defence, this is the ego taking over, and we should prevent this from happening immediately. We aim to resolve and not alienate the situation further.

No matter how our opponent behaves, each argument is a battle which can leave emotional scars if there is no resolution. The point is to reduce the battle to inflict minor damage as possible, not only for ourselves but for our opponents too!

Once you have listened, decide if you will choose to “win” this argument, or if you want to learn from it. We cannot do both at the same time.

Choosing to “win”.

Fluency, higher vocabulary or quick wit in an argument does not make anyone an immediate winner, nor does it make them “right”. All it means is that they are equipped to handle and manipulate words to confuse or propagate an argument to the point of exhaustion.

“Winning” is easy, but may not be rewarding if there is no resolution in the long run, especially if the argument has a single grain of truth that you are wrong in some small way.

“Winning” may also imply that you will beat them down with their own words to the point they are frail, broken or frustrated from the ambiguity. It will not have any positive results if it’s someone who you have an emotional or professional connection with.

If the intention is to use words as weapons to defeat someone close to us, it makes us an emotional bully and is a form of mental or emotional abuse.

A physical bully will use violence to get their way, and if you challenge them, you get a beating.

An emotional bully is no different. They will turn our words and emotions against us and attack our confidence if we oppose them.

Sometimes a punch to the face is better and it will heal in a few days. Emotional abuse and confidence sabotage can take months or even years to heal, with severe consequences.

Attempting to “win” at all costs, will only leave you with a defeated partner reduced to tears.

Although you have a defeated opponent, you have proven that you think you know everything about them there is to know.

If the goal is to win without fully understanding what the argument is about, it may end up with a hollow victory.

Beating anyone down will not give much room to salvage a relationship after a vicious fight.

They will seek ways to reclaim their defeat, which can come in the form of bitterness and lead to detrimental consequences. It can also create a rift which may never heal.

We need to understand words when forged and wielded, are powerful and dangerous, which we should use to enforce relationships, rather than to destroy them.

We can never take spoken words back!

Choosing to listen.

By listening to someone on what they have to say, we learn something about them, and ourselves. Our opponent may have a point and give us a chance for that “aha” moment or give us a glimpse on where we can improve our relationship or ourselves.

We then learn how to handle conflict, we learn how to argue, and find a means to deliver or negotiate with contentious disagreements. We will also learn how to find resolutions to improve our relationships and strengthen them.

It does not work with every opponent. But mostly, let us assume we are dealing with a person who does not have the emotional maturity of an irrational Neanderthal.

If their argument is unfounded or does not make sense, the best mode is to help them construct their argument if they are incapable of expressing themselves correctly.

Although this may sound patronising, it is a technique used to reach a common point.

Therefore, we need to reconstruct the argument by reflecting on the words they use. When we repeat their argument back to them in the form of questions or asking them to explain, they will get to understand their own argument.

Sometimes their argument may have sounded so much better in their head, and by reconstructing the argument, they may even have to retract or re-approach.

Regardless of what their argument may be about, we should assume that we may be wrong in some insignificant way. We clear out our defence and attack impulses to make way for comprehension and understanding instead.

Communication is vital, but the ability to apply comprehension to what is being said and heard is what matters most. Without comprehension, it is just chatter.

When we make a conscious decision to listen and remain calm, we don’t react. We can use this to our advantage as they may have already assumed how we will react.

They would have set up their argument with all the artillery, troops and ammo, ready and aiming, all waiting for us to react or defend. The last thing they would expect is for us to listen and agree to specific terms.

Automatically it may leave them feeling a little staggered. If they attacked us while we remained passive, they have a lot of explaining and apologies to make up for later.

The next time they have something to tell us, they will think twice on how they will deliver an argument with far fewer attack strategies.

By remaining calm, we show no resistance, only listening. It is also difficult to argue against someone who refuses to fight or shows no resistance.

Keeping quiet while they talk, shout or accuse us, can be the hardest thing for us to do, but it will pay off if we do not retaliate. This way, if we don’t say something out of line, we have nothing to apologise for later.

No matter how much the urge builds up to attack, keep quiet, listen and reflect.

Catching someone out in a “gotcha” moment means we are not listening to them, we are only listening to their words to react and not respond. Doing this will leave our opponent bitter and in the position to seek retribution and can lead the argument to a place of deep contention.

By listening and keeping a cool head will guarantee that at least one person is keeping the conversation in order.

Listening or keeping quiet does not mean being obstinate or dismissive. Be genuine and not let your face or body language betray you. Everyone wants to be heard, and allowing them to speak will omit frustration.